Subterranean Homesick Blue Christmas

(to the tune of, and with apologies to, Bob Dylan's original)

1. Santa's at the north pole
Mixing up the present lists
Rudolf's at the punch bowl
Getting seasonably pissed

The man in the red coat
Beard out, hat off
Says he's got a full sled
Your gift could fall off

Look out, kid
Are you naughty or good?
He knows which
You know that's understood

You better not shout or cry
I'm telling you why
The man in the fur-trimmed hat
And a double chin
Wants a sherry left out
You only got gin.

2. Rudolf comes fleet foot
Nose glowing, stays put
Prods Santa's beer gut
Fools around somewhat

The mail's late anyway
Wishlists gone astray
Santa's beard gone grey
Thinkin' 'bout the big day

Look out, Ru
You're in a reindeer stew
Don't diss the big man
Just cos you think you can

Better stay away from those
That sit around in red clothes
Don't like your red nose
Or any of your hoofed toes
You don't need a snow globe
To know which way the ice floes

3. Get gifts, get coal
Drink from that punch bowl
Dance round the north pole
Eat a chocolate orange whole

Try hard, be nice
Mull wine with allspice
Wash up, dry up
Tidy up and shut up

Look out, though
You're gonna get snowed
Santa knows you're cheatin
The mincepies you're eatin
Turning on the heating

Santa on his sleigh ride
Spending Christmastide
Sleighing for a billion miles
Watch the loose roof tiles

4. Socks on, keep warm
Not much romance, thermal pants
Get dressed, get stressed
Work do's a success

In town, trek round, buy gifts
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Five hours of shoppin'
All the way it's jingle bells

Look out, hey,
It ain't Christmas every day
Better watch out for Wizzard
They're hidin in a blizzard

Next day's dandy
Don't fill up on candy
Don't wanna be Scrooge
The turkey's huge
The pudding won't light
'Cause your uncle's drunk the brandy